Understand The Mind

If anything valuable can come of this blog, it's in it's documentation of the way the mind interprets facts of it's reality. Each interpretation has some relative value in that they convey a sense of the pain of the experience, and through that pain, explains it's reality.

The correct understanding is less complex, yet it's the hardest one to stomach. In my earlier blog, I mentioned the need to integrate the impersonal and personal dimensions in understanding my problem. To start with the impersonal: the impersonal is best understood as energy. Since all things can be converted into an energetic intensity, the obsession is best addressed as a dynamism. The energy of my reality is low. There's very little drive; obsession with one particular idea; I am constantly resonating with a particular feeling. Before I speak, there's a definite feeling of "holding myself back". What I imagine as a concern with my voice, is a clever deception of the mind. The real issue is fear: fear with speaking without worrying what others might think. My minds defence response believes "thinking" about the issue will help me, because evolutionarily speaking, reflection upon problems facilitates survival. Unfortunately, this mechanism works both ways: to enable survival, or, to induce neurosis.

A normal state of consciousness - when one feels that he can speak without worrying what others might think - is generally speaking, in a state of relaxation. This claim of course has its variables. I think only in a general sense that this assumption applies.

When someone speaks, it reflects a part, or the totality of the self. The emotions "in between" are what Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz would attribute to "the brain". The mind decides to speak, and, the brain responds. In a similar fashion, the "self" decides to speak, and the ego - the sense of "I" which reflects upon the meaning of it's action  - either sanctions the feeling or jettisons it. In short, self consciousness can only be "secure" if the ego feels its ok, nay, deserved, for it to be experiencing these feelings. and to be perceived by others as confident.

These are the two sides of the coin: the need to emphasize high energy states, where a feeling "erupts" into consciousness, and the mind FREELY lets the energy flow through, without interfering. The second side of the coin is to emphasize my RIGHT as a human being to see myself in positive terms. There is no reason why I should be condemned to a life of low self esteem, obsession, anxiety, fear and depression.

So I know the B's and C's. The question is, how do I move from A? How do I move through this maelstrom of negative feeling, which makes the sheer thought of speaking without feeling myself as insecure, almost impossible. As explained before, the energy is an abstract way to describe all things. In terms of my particular obsession with my voice, the energy would be the vehicle, while the content of the thought, would be the passenger. By emphasizing the passenger, or focusing on the thought-content, I distract myself from the source of the malady, the very vehicle which brings the thought-content into perception.

 So it would seem the way to get around this is to emphasize the energy. The energy is best thought of as energy, and not emotion. Emotion is in itself a quasi personal term. As an emotion, it applies an individual experiencing it. Whereas with the idea of energy, the sense of"feeling" it, or giving yourself up to it, allows it to bring you into action without another thought preempting it's expression. This is a wondrous feeling, both because when it happens I realize that it is authentic, and that for a nice change, I actually feel like me. At the same time, I get startled, almost dismayed, by the sheer distance between my usual thinking - and feeling - and the sense of awareness involved in speaking without worrying i.e. acting according to the natural goals and interests of the self.

I understand it more clearly than I ever have. This is the most rarefied understanding of my situation that I've perceived. It really does require a phenomenal power of will; to maintain that awareness at home with family; and then, when it's been normalized enough, to take the risk of speaking with others: on the phone, first, and then in society.

The Difficulty of Inertia

I'm always dealing with a feeling of inertia. I don't know from where it comes from, or what it means. Is it depression? And yet it's not a very overpowering one. I've felt depressed before, but this feeling isn't quite depression. It's rather the absence of drive: something motivating me into activity.

In an earlier post, I mentioned my need to open myself outward to the world of objects. And yet, I feel critically involved in my own world. All I seem to feel is the inertia, so much so, I think I would be either mute, or arm-twisted into speech by my moribund tendency to stress my voice during speech. My speech has literally become that intermixed with the tendency to stress. Also - and this is of the greatest salience - my tendency to stress as I speak is really just a symptom of my tendency to watch myself as I speak. Somehow, in my head, I began to experience speech as something which occurs while watching yourself. It is infuriatingly sticky - I only have flashes now and again of what a normal approach to speech is actually like.

What a normal approach feels like: It feels spontaneous. I think, and then an instant later, almost simultaneously it seems, speech emerges from my mouth. Consciously, I am hyper-focused (or "in" the words I speak) on the subject matter, while ignoring, or only tacitly receiving an impression, how I spoke. I may say "Hey Ash!" to my sister. In my mind, there was the simple recognition that my sister had come home. Instantaneously, without hesitation - without the presence of any other thought in my mind - MICHAEL speaks. The words emanate from a core too mysterious to be watched, it seems.

I know this is a genuine state. I know it is not "beyond" my capacity. I am not forever estranged from feelings of confidence, and from the ease of living without worrying. But as it stands, I fear I need more than what I have. I daily struggle. I find it exceedingly difficult to enter speech without preempting myself. Its as if the obsession stands ready like a bodyguard, or a sentry, at the door of my mind. I try to ready myself: think THIS way, and by saying that to myself, I simultaneously seem to confirm the presence of the problem. My mind is STILL IN THAT MODE. I want desperately to live in the world of objects, but it seems such a perception is underlined by an attitude - a perception of reality conducive to ones overall state of self.

So it seems to be double tiered: I need to focus outward onto the world of objects. That needs to be the flux of my attention. Secondly: I need to feel secure as me. Partadoxically, the first need is impersonal; by stressing the mode in which reality is experienced and understood, I enter a confident state of mind; my voice emerges strong, natural, in short, it feels and sounds like me. On the other hand, one should be able to understand himself as an "I", as an individual. If someone looks at me, I should be able to endure their stares without fretting over possible reasons. The former state - the outward focus into the world of objects - is a symptom of someone who is secure in their body, and secure in their self image, which is the latter state.

Sometimes, I don't know which to emphasize, or where to begin. I feel as if the "be in the world" of objects is the right way to go about it, but then I discover that my insecurity can get the better of me. Its used to feeling scared, in this or that situation. My brain has little compartments of memory dedicated to just these situations, evoking just these responses. So sometimes I'll try to buttress my self esteem: you can do it Mike! You know you love yourself, you care for your well being, you want to get better! But then when I act, I am unwittingly involving my insecurities in my speech. In short, I am self conscious while speaking.

Obviously, I understand that I am seriously over-thinking all this. I know my understanding is complex, and probably quite accurate in its conception of the relationship between personal and impersonal forces; but still, people cannot and should not think this deeply about things. It dissolves the process of living into truncated facts. It forgets the flowness of things; the naturalness of every moment. I want to wholistically connect with the world, but i am stuck in my thoughts, feelings, and neuroses.

I of course can never lose hope. I believe that I will get out of this. I need, and want to believe.