If anything valuable can come of this blog, it's in it's documentation of the way the mind interprets facts of it's reality. Each interpretation has some relative value in that they convey a sense of the pain of the experience, and through that pain, explains it's reality.
The correct understanding is less complex, yet it's the hardest one to stomach. In my earlier blog, I mentioned the need to integrate the impersonal and personal dimensions in understanding my problem. To start with the impersonal: the impersonal is best understood as energy. Since all things can be converted into an energetic intensity, the obsession is best addressed as a dynamism. The energy of my reality is low. There's very little drive; obsession with one particular idea; I am constantly resonating with a particular feeling. Before I speak, there's a definite feeling of "holding myself back". What I imagine as a concern with my voice, is a clever deception of the mind. The real issue is fear: fear with speaking without worrying what others might think. My minds defence response believes "thinking" about the issue will help me, because evolutionarily speaking, reflection upon problems facilitates survival. Unfortunately, this mechanism works both ways: to enable survival, or, to induce neurosis.
A normal state of consciousness - when one feels that he can speak without worrying what others might think - is generally speaking, in a state of relaxation. This claim of course has its variables. I think only in a general sense that this assumption applies.
When someone speaks, it reflects a part, or the totality of the self. The emotions "in between" are what Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz would attribute to "the brain". The mind decides to speak, and, the brain responds. In a similar fashion, the "self" decides to speak, and the ego - the sense of "I" which reflects upon the meaning of it's action - either sanctions the feeling or jettisons it. In short, self consciousness can only be "secure" if the ego feels its ok, nay, deserved, for it to be experiencing these feelings. and to be perceived by others as confident.
These are the two sides of the coin: the need to emphasize high energy states, where a feeling "erupts" into consciousness, and the mind FREELY lets the energy flow through, without interfering. The second side of the coin is to emphasize my RIGHT as a human being to see myself in positive terms. There is no reason why I should be condemned to a life of low self esteem, obsession, anxiety, fear and depression.
So I know the B's and C's. The question is, how do I move from A? How do I move through this maelstrom of negative feeling, which makes the sheer thought of speaking without feeling myself as insecure, almost impossible. As explained before, the energy is an abstract way to describe all things. In terms of my particular obsession with my voice, the energy would be the vehicle, while the content of the thought, would be the passenger. By emphasizing the passenger, or focusing on the thought-content, I distract myself from the source of the malady, the very vehicle which brings the thought-content into perception.
So it would seem the way to get around this is to emphasize the energy. The energy is best thought of as energy, and not emotion. Emotion is in itself a quasi personal term. As an emotion, it applies an individual experiencing it. Whereas with the idea of energy, the sense of"feeling" it, or giving yourself up to it, allows it to bring you into action without another thought preempting it's expression. This is a wondrous feeling, both because when it happens I realize that it is authentic, and that for a nice change, I actually feel like me. At the same time, I get startled, almost dismayed, by the sheer distance between my usual thinking - and feeling - and the sense of awareness involved in speaking without worrying i.e. acting according to the natural goals and interests of the self.
I understand it more clearly than I ever have. This is the most rarefied understanding of my situation that I've perceived. It really does require a phenomenal power of will; to maintain that awareness at home with family; and then, when it's been normalized enough, to take the risk of speaking with others: on the phone, first, and then in society.
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