Facillitating Change

The hardest thing for me to make sense of is how to think differently. In the state I'm in now, I seemingly can't think of anything else other than "my" insecurity. I'm currently in the computer lab at the library. For some reason, I can hardly make a move without feeling inhibited by an oppressive sense of self consciousness. What is this self consciousness? How does it feel like in action? If I move my head to look at someone, at the forefront of my mind is "how I look"; as mentioned, in an earlier post, I am cued to the externalities of behavior - to how I look when I act, or how I sound when I speak, and intertwined with these experiences is a gnawing sense of anxiety, or insecurity, varying in degree from a simple awareness of discomfort (in my self consciousness) to an anxious fidgetiness.

It's not exactly easy to move from a state of anxious self consciousness to a relaxed self awareness, in which ones own thoughts and feelings directly incite action, and not a preconceived idea which tinges incoming ideas with its emotional complexity.

The key is dereflection. Dereflection entails moving your mind away from thoughts it's usually cued to. This can't be done in a vacuum state. Another thought replaces the neurotic thought in dereflection. Neurologically speaking, the other thought stimulates new circuitry, thus initiating a different 'experience'. But dereflecting away from an emotional content which has been hammered in hundreds of thousands of times through repetition without the aid of antidepressants is by no means a cinch. When you enter an environment where triggers abound, you have to ceaselessly redirect yourself back to the dereflecting thought. It's especially difficult when in such situations to maintain a contrary focus when the emotional triggers surreptitiously implant ideas that usually accompany the feelings themselves. For example. I'm feeling good, I make eye contact with someone. Prior to making eye contact I may have been completely "in myself", completely absorbed in something else. But in that split second experience I seemingly bounce back out of myself. I become sidetracked with another thought, an image of how I may look at that moment. This image is packed with emotional memory - stirring feelings of inferiority, weakness, a childlike appearance, vulnerability. At other times, I might be doing so well that someone else may be looking at me - maybe they find me attractive? In all likelihood, this is what is probably happening. But once I see another person watching me, I bounce back out of myself. The sheer thought of myself being "objectified" by another person - seeing me as attractive, handsome, likeable, etc - I feel temped to go outside myself again. I realize that these are feelings spurred on by an inferiority complex - vestiges of experiences I had from my high school days. Despite my tremendous intellectual and spiritual growth in the intervening years, I'm still carrying around Michael the 15 year old. The Michael who hasn't yet grown up - who doesn't quite yet feel like a man.

One cannot do justice describing the existential frustration I feel with this situation. I have such profound belief in myself and the abilities of the human mind, but as of now, I'm still stymied by echoes from the past.

I hope and believe that dereflection will train my brain to respond differently to these social situations. The amygdala is what triggers these negative stress responses. Dereflection moves my mind away from amygdala stress circuits, allowing my mind to experience these situations differently. When my body loosens further, I find my external behavior to be an afterthought to the moment of acting, following my internal wishes, rather than anticipating them. In short, keeping my mind from the stress center - from the stress response triggered by the amygdala  - allows me to 'shift' (which is handled by the caudate nucleus in the basal ganglia) unconsciously. Repetition of this behavior will produce results similar to the mind I currently have. Although 'planning' occurs before I act, eventually the emotional resonance will be all that will remain. I will casually - and with ease - act without consulting my voice, the externalities, and hopefully, I will good enough about myself to not question my inherent worth as a human being.