Allusive thinking, as the name suggests, is not quite conceptual thinking, but a type of tacit thinking which engenders a particular state of consciousness. It'll be easier to explain what I mean by this idea by showing what it is NOT. Devising theories, or explicit techniques to handle my obsession, is the opposite of allusive thinking. For example, I have emphasized the importance of energy dynamics, positivity, self-interpretation, bass, self transcendence, and a plethora of other ideas as cues to put me into a desired state of mind. While these ideas can work sometimes, they often exhaust themselves, possibly reifying into mental structures which hyper-emphasize the underlying problem. Thus, the more I 'rely' upon such ideas, the more the underlying idea which those techniques seek to upend become emphasized. Research by David A Clark and Christine Purdon in their book 'overcoming obsessive thoughts' has shown that the most effective treatment for OCD (without recourse to drugs) is to lessen the importance of the obsession. In short, explicit mental techniques dont seem to be very helpful.
The trick with allusive thinking is its calm and non-reactive approach. Instead of scurrying through my mind searching for that mental panacea, allusive thinking concentrates on that state of mind amenable to recovery. I call this approach allusive because its far more quiet and unassuming than the other approach. Here, the mind decides to remain calm, eschews avoidance tactics, and with an iron will insists on a particular viewpoint, all it seems with the power of a whisper.
The allusive thinking technique exercises an attention that recedes to the subconscious level while the conscious mind actively engages other thoughts. But if a deviation might occur, instinctively the unconscious precursor quietly slides to the conscious forefront and adjusts perspective.
The magic of this technique is its prowess in allowing my mind to be occupied with an external thought without the prying insecurity of "how I sound" while monitoring my progress. In general, whenever I act the same neural process is repeated: I speak in a state of self observation, cued to the sound of my voice, and my voice is 'stressed', which is to say, being tensed by the larynx, causing the sound which emerges to lack the bass and naturalness of confidence. This process is a feedback loop. The poor self esteem engenders the same conscious experience during speech, which in turn reenforces low self esteem. In essence, we are we imagine ourselves to be; we are continuously influenced by our own self observations.
This technique seems to momentarily extricate myself from the tense or "traumatized" state of watching myself as I speak. Whenever I speak, I am "intercepted", it seems, by the inveterate urge to 'prepare' myself for speech. This is the initial urge to watch myself - to monitor how I will do. Instead of taking speech as a matter of fact thing, something which necessarily follows an idea which entrances the mind and results in speech, I have become inured to speaking with the intention to hear myself, with the corollary, attending to the act of speech itself. You can only imagine the degree of frustration this can cause, since it upsets the single most enjoyable aspect of human experience: communication. My ability to make friends, meet a woman, have a social life, all of this has been decimated by the presence of this insecurity. I am haunted by the thought. My fear is no longer of social situations per se, as it is my fear of my lack of control over my fear.
Two things need to be worked upon: my sense of self i.e. my sense of self worth, and the tendency to self observation during speech, in effect diffusing my attention from the thing spoken about to an insecurity about my ability to discuss the thing spoken about. This is the personal and impersonal dimensions of my problem. In order for me to sustain a state of self awareness (or transcendence of self during speech) I need to be aware that I am worthy and deserving of this experience, and the concomitant impression it may have on others.. At the same time, I need to retrain my mind to speaking without watching myself as I speak. This is what I am attempting to do with this allusive thinking approach.
With allusive thinking, I emphasize a state of self transcendence without being too adamant about it. Guiding myself through little pokes here and there, but remaining sufficiently quiet enough for my conscious mind not to get caught up in self observation.
No comments:
Post a Comment