I've always been an unusual person. Not personality wise - in quirks of character. Not socially, although nowadays it would seem that I had social problems growing up. My strangeness is not so much emotional, as it is vital. I have what appears to me to be an incredibly sensitive nervous system.
I'm 6 years old. I'm playing video games - I finish the level. I am so elated, so excited, that a simple "hoorah" or "yay", or a soft feeling of satisfaction, does not suffice. No, my enjoyment - or excitement, to be more precise - need's to be physically burned off. I need to get up, run around, jump up - touch the ceiling maybe, or run up and down the stairs - a quirk which my family members never tired of deriving amusement from.
Fast forward to 27, and I am still essentially the same. I seem to process positive stimuli in a very thorough manner. It just doesn't affect my attitude at any current moment, but it seeks release in some physical movement; it's not obsessively choreographed - it's just a big fat thump of energy that shoots into me, causing me to perform some extremely quick and hyper movement to burn it off.
If I'm playing NBA 2K13 ( a favorite of mine) and I manage to come back from a large deficit, I find myself unconsciously acting out my happiness - I'll smack the table in front of me in some awkward motion - tap, tap tap, bringing my arms back up to me before I lower them again to tap the table (my mom says I look like a bird trying to fly). It's strange, yes, and when I become aware of having done it I feel a little bit of shame and self consciousness afterwards. This might be the source and origin of my social issues.
When I was a kid, I played a lot of football and soccer at recess. Being much less self conscious then, the kids (friends/acquaintances) I played with thought my hyperness was hilarious. They'd come to predict that I would jump up, run around, after something good happened. Later on in highschool, I remember being chastened by friends to stop rocking my legs back and forth. Being naturally anxious - or easily stimulated - I did this completely unconsciously. This caused me to become more aware of myself.
An upshot of being hyper is basketball related. I played a lot of basketball growing up (and still play 2-3 times a week at the leisure center) and my "first step" - that first movement from a stationary or relaxed position - was always unusually faster than other peoples. My full speed was not that much greater than other peoples, and my quickness after that first explosion was also unspectacular. What set me apart and gave me an athletic advantage over my opponents was just how blisteringly fast I could go from zero to ten. This to me makes sense only in terms of my hypersensitive nervous system. My PFC issues commands to my motor cortex, which passes that information on to my muscles, with just a little more juice - adrenaline - than other people. This results in a millisecond advantage over my opponents.
I'm starting to come to terms with my hyperness. I'm shy because large groups over-stimulate me. I get happy so easily - and with such ease - because I'm quick to respond to happy stimuli. At the same time, if someones mean, or even implies something offensive in their gesturing, I pick it up with a cinch. I wish I didn't, but I do. So where to go from here?
I need to "stretch" my temperament enough to help me feel comfortable in large groups. Essentially, this is me using my neocortical faculties to regulate my limbic system. In ontological terms, It means being more attuned to my feeling states than conceptual states. I only get anxious when my over-anxious mind starts THINKING about my feelings in relation to it's environmental cues. When that happens, I 'leave' the feeling, and start ruminating ABOUT it; this crystallizes the feeling, freezing it in my minds awareness.
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