The Baby Inside

When I ask my mom: what was I like as a baby? She responds: "you were such a happy baby! the littlest things would make you happy. Always laughing, always playful"

So what happened? Generally speaking, a newborn human being exhibits it's genetic repertoire early on it's life. For me, I clearly connected easily with a feeling of happiness. So what happened?

Well, as I understand it, the environmental stressor of having a mom that was frequently angry, critical, or to use a popular colloquialism, bitchy, I suspect her general attitude made me a lot more tentative and needy.

But, nevertheless, I feel good hearing that I was a happy baby. For as long as I can remember, I have known myself to be easy to please. Even today, people who comment on my situation will tell me: I don't know how you can live like that, to be alone everyday, with your own thoughts, and not lose your mind". I guess I am fortunate to have this streak in me which allows me to find contentment easier than in others.

I want to get back in touch with that baby in me. That baby who smiled and laughed - the one I see in the picture in the family room with a wide smile on his face, eyes glowing. Where was the shyness? I don't see it. My mom described my easiness as wonderful, compared to my sister and brother. This baby is still deep within me - within primal neurological structures. My innate ability to feel happy, to enjoy the little things, to get easily excited and revved when any positive stimulus occurs - I want that back, I want to find it again and feel it grow within me.

I need to find my inner baby.