A Cognitive Description

This is what I'm thinking while I speak:

I situate myself to my speech in too focused and conscious a manner. An idea enters my mind; for most people, this idea enters instantaneously. There isn't a pause to preconceptualize before they actually do it. Rather, their focus seems to be on the the feeling to speak. The object of their thought is the obvious motivator, but it is the feeling which sets the perimeters of their attention.

When I speak, I immediately put myself into hyper-focus with the object of my thought. I find myself tensely involved with the thought: it stays in my mind too long, I'm thinking too deeply about it. There is no instantaneous sense of desire to speak-speak, which seems to occur simultaneously in a normally functioning mind.

When I do speak well, I find things happening more swiftly, less tensely; I feel pulled by the current of the moment. I am positively situated to the things I want to say: I do not consider a possible negative response from the person I'm speaking with. Rather, it feels like I'm just sharing myself and my current interest with another person.

This feels like a "system 1" type thinking. It is automatic - it isn't preceded by brooding, and then a hyper attention to the performance of my speaking. Rather, it's preceded by a simple attentiveness to my current interests. And the transition from these interests to speaking is not met or undermined by worries or concerns. The transition is smooth, swift, and natural.

As someone who has spent so many years understanding and constructing his reality around the tension he experiences while speaking, it can be startling how different my usual state is from these states. It's a mixture of amazement, encouragement, and utter horror. How can I be so removed from the normal human condition? But this is the effect trauma can have on the mind. It's slows things down; emotion implies motion. Trauma is the absence of forward motion feelings. Usual states are either a bland dullness, also called hypo-emotionality, or anxiety. Both these feelings hyper inflate conscious awareness, or "system 2" thinking.

A big part of my recovery involves my becoming more comfortable with this movement in living. Not having fears and obsessions interrupt my act of speaking feels like something is missing. It's bizarre. Familiarity breeds contempt they say. Not always. Oftentimes, familiarity breeds comfort, and well, familiarity. It's safe and easy living with what you know and are comfortable with. Going outside whats familiar, although good on one level (the joy of feeling good) can also strike you as "too good to be true". This "too good to be true" feeling is natural, obviously. It's a way of being that I'm not used to. I need to constantly remind myself to stay in this state, to embrace this state, and understand that living is supposed to happen in this state.