The Up's and Down's

My previous entry described my euphoric rise in confidence. This entry will describe a frustration. I went to Winners sat around 7:30 with my sister. I went there with the intention to buy a few shirts - within my budget of $86 dollars. Walking in, I felt like myself. On the drive there, I had been cracking jokes with my sister, feeling comfortable and at ease, so walking in felt as a natural continuation of that feeling. I felt at east - with myself - in this congenitally difficult environment.

A few minutes, I begin to find myself feeling "oppressed" by this environment. It's something that always happens: an environmental "oppressor" induces self suppression. Now that I'm in the "real world", can I let my voice be heard? Can I feel as comfortable here as I did in the car? Or would fear take the wheel and suppression kick into gear? I couldn't resist the temptation; I succumbed, and began lowering my voice and keeping an eye on myself. This is the beginning of what could be called a psychological reversal, where the effort dispensed in one direction is slowly stripped away. The feeling of threat led to a need to suppress which led to a stronger feeling of threat, heightened self observation and an increased sense of insecurity.

By the time we reached the counter (my sister had been casually taking her time making her selection....women...) I was feeling a little uncomfortable. As I've mentioned before, "feeling" confident in your body can be differentiated from feeling confident with your voice. I am able to maintain an outer, albeit, surly looking outside demeanor (it doesn't help that I have a mean looking face; plus, I didn't shave, which only added to the meanness). Perhaps unconsciously I maintain this state because it is easier for me: it both "wards" off predators (those I feel threatened by), and it is low energy. When the woman at the counter said "Hi, how's your day", I couldn't match the enthusiasm. I'm often riddled with hypo emotional arousal - what some psychologists call "dissociation" (despite the ambiguous undertones). When someone expresses this sort of emotion to me, I'm afraid to match it. What if I fail - what If some "psychological leakage" occurs? Instead of a bold, manly voice passing through, my "try hard" feeling might be noticed. That would be the ultimate embarrassment. I'm still shocked - at 27 years old - that I'm still fearing the feelings of social shame I felt at 13 years old.

By the time I came home, I found myself trying more. This "trying" was me becoming, once again, conceptually self involved in the natural flow of emotional arousal. This can't happen. it's a contradiction. The conceptual self awareness robs me of natural emotional arousal. This is what I fear might occur while I speak in public. When I came back to the car, this is the feeling I had retained: an acute awareness of my self deficiency. I felt weak and torpid.

I'm trying to feel the feeling and not run away with it. Then, to bolster myself with a sense of self compassion.