Social Validation

It's amazing what a little bit of social validation can do for your confidence.

I had an appointment today with my therapist Debbie. I set my tablet clock for 10:00 Am. As I suspected (wanted, but also feared) I was sleeping past 10 AM - wake up time. By the time that my suspicion made its way to the front of my mind, it was 10:30. I rushed into my brothers room, poked him in the shoulder hard and yelled "I'm gonna be late, get up!". Being a good brother, he understood, brushed his teeth, and we left.

When we got there, i was 10 minutes late. It was a good appointment. I went in there feeling sure of myself: I don't know why in particular. Why am I even asking this question, I sometimes think to myself? But, enough of that for now. By the end of the appointment, Debbie said this was the best she had ever seen me. I'm compelled to believe her - I felt good, I felt embodied, I was following the lead of my emotions and being "present" to the words that I spoke. Sometimes I have this habit of being "entrained", not to my emotions, as would be normal and healthy, but to some preconceptualization. Only Carl Rogers, as far as I know, has put this in words that make the most sense to me. I don't have the quote with me, but its in his book "on becoming a person".

Life is a process. It's something a part in me wants to rebel against. It seems to imply a loss of personal agency - that I am nothing more than a puppet of emotions flowing through me. But, try I'd like to think differently, happiness, comfort, peace of mind, goes along with living in the "flow" of life. It's when were FEELING - and not thinking - a completely different ontological category - that we feel most like ourselves.

Debbies affirmation that I was doing good has filled me with a confidence that I haven't felt in awhile. Just imagine: how much can I accomplish in the world when I have 1, 2, 3 infinitum experiences to build from.

A sociopath interrupted my cognitive development, but at 27, I'm trying to find my way back to where I left off.